Friday, September 12, 2014

In Which Ellspeth Has A Mighty Need

Raaaaatttterrrrrrss!

Look at that dragon. Isn't she pretty? Can I take her home with me and ride her?

Yes, yes, Lady Prestor, blah blah, Marshall Windsor, blah blah, thousands dead in Stormwind, blah blah, forty heroes, blah blah, 50 dkp minus, blah blah blah BLAH.

But pretty! And, and, and Deep Breath!

I need!

Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

*clasp hands*

*eyes very wide*

*bite lower lip*

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*blink dramatically*

I can haz Pretty?

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Titles What Ain't In WoW But Oughtta Be

"Mother / Father of Dragons"
Dang near anythin' from Song of Ice and Fire would work, reallies. "The Unburnt". "The Mountain What Rides". "Bloody Mummer". "Shits Gold".

"Fruit Vendor"
Awarded fer obstructifyin' leatherworking vendors in Shattrath an' other major cities.

"Evil Twin"
Because who's ta say you ain't?

"Fake Geek Girl"
Can you name the costume changes from Issue #247 ta #248, recite "Ode to a Grecian Urn in the original Klingon, beat the game in super-ultra-crimson-deluxe-challenge mode, an' threaten the manhood of entitled douchewaffles at cons? Then clearlies this be the title fer you.

"Collector of Useless Crap"
Five stacks of jaggal pearls? Check. Cloth fer ta level first aid on three more alts, 'cause ya never know? Check. Ripe Elwynn Pumpkins just in case Blizz removes the vendor what sells them next Pilgrim's Bounty? Got ya covered.

"Avenger"
Is a scientific fact what 84% of heroes was members of the Avengers at some point in they's careers, includin' Batman an' Doogie Howser.

"Friend of the Grummles"
They sez I is one - who is Blizz fer ta tell me I ain't? If this were ta become a real title, I could bring meself fer ta forgives Blizz fer the Cataclysm expansion. Mebbe.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Wattery Bint Still Lobbing Scimitars


Time was, roughlies 75483 buggers a day was jumpin' inta that lake in Northrend, wavin' flowers and beggin' fer swords. Personalies, I think what Tirion Fordring and them other Argent Tourney buggers was all standin' around makin' bets ta see what they could get us ta do next. "Dude, let's pay Ratters 18g fer ta roll around nekkid in oatmeal so's a pretty lady'll give him a sword!" But I digressifies.

Point is, we heroes ain't been around like we used ta, and the Maiden of Drak'Mar done noticed. Apparentlies is been years since anybody done come by, 'til young Jinnik come by the other day. Is happy the Team could brighten up yer day a bit, Maiden!

Monday, September 8, 2014

Our Long Dark Nightmare May Finallies End

Years ago, way back before achievements done became team-wide, way back even befores achievements even existed, me and some of the others on the team signed up fer the brew of the month club. Was fun, haullin' beers and racin' around on yer ram. Was fun, gettin' a new beer in the mail every month fer a year. Was fun, puttin' up posts like this one. Was fun, finishin' up the whole set.

But then, they didn't stop. They didn't. Fuhggin'. Stop.

The beers kept comin', year afters year afters year. Cloggin' the mailboxes. Warnings from altoholic what mail's gonna expire on six different toons. Like that magazine with the cute talkin' rabbits an' stories about brave kids in China or Norway what ya signed up fer when yer seven but is still showin' up in yer mailbox when yer twenty-eight and ya cain't find a way ta tell thems ta stop holy guacamole I ain't sent in a check since forevers please fer the love of Elune and Sargeras make it stop!

Ya know, when I starts ta feel this way about free beer, is a sign what it be too much free beer.

But is good news. The dataminers done found a letter what we gonna get ta send in the Country Bumpkins of Draenor expansion: "Angry Brewfest Letter. Use: Cancel your Brew-of-the-Month Club membership." So, so readies fer ta let this bugger fly. "WARNING: Once an angry letter is sent, you will never be able to join the Club again!" Dude, that ain't a warning, that there's a big fat honkin' dollop of icing on the glubbernuggin' cake.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Yup, I Was Dead

Dead. I was dead as Marley's doornail. I was flatter than the Dixie Flatline. Pretty much blowed ta a million or so pieces along with ol' Deathing when he done farted out a batshit crazy load of Old Gods. Boy, I was dead.

So what happened? Well, remembers, this all done happened on Therazane the Stonemother's front porch, with Alex the Life-Bender an' Ysera the dragon hippy standin' by. Ain't no way them fine wimmenz was gonna let all that amazingly virile orcflesh go ta waste. So they gathered an' slapped an' binded an' hoisted me ta the top of a tower durin' a thunderstorm an' shouted "It's alive!". Or sumthin'. Sheeeit, I was dead, I cain't be bothered fer ta remember the details.

Anywho, afters, I weren't dead no more. So, afters takin' time fer ta thank them alls personally, I done headed out fer Pandalandia so's I could kick some names an' take some arse. Shoot first an' ask questions afters. Capture Anduin then let the little bugger go again five or six times. Whichevers.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

The Wisdom of Ol' Sour Breath: Why Kairoz Is Using Us To Help Garrosh

Because fookin' dragons.

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Off with ye!





Disclaimer: Views expressed by Ol' Sour Breath do not necessarily reflect the views of blogger.com, Google, or their affiliates.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Rating Things What Happened While I Were Dead

Pandas
Many pandas. And they drink beer! Many beer! Ain't no way a fluggernubber cain't be down with that. A

Secret Weapons
Garrosh done went ta Pandalandia an' found hisself a whole buncha arse-kickin' secret weapons. Like, um, a bell. And, well, the non-beating heart of a dead Thing. An' a buncha statues. At least the dinosaur with frickin' laser beams was cool. Bold warrior what he be, he decided fer ta take all these weapons an' (rather than attack) hide under Org an' promptlies lose the war. Good job there, kodo-droppings-fer-brains. D-

Pets
We can done name our pets an' collect'em in the wild an' fight battles an' damn this be fun lil' Pokeclone fer Punkerdubbers. A-

Monks
Hey, hey, we's the monks. An' people say we monk around. But we's too busy rollin' an' doin' that freaky cool flyin' crane kick thing, to put nobodies down. B

Hozen
"I'm gonna ook you in da dooker" done be the best made-up cuss words since "fluggernubber". Plus, ya know, talkin' monkeys. B+

Virmen
Angry klepto vegetarians wearin' diapers. Thinks there were an episode of "My Strange Addiction" what covered that alreadies. C

Sunsong Ranch
Dad always wanted me fer ta be a farmer. Ain't no place better fer ta kick back with a cold bottle of Uncle Bonechomper's Day Old Piss an' watch a fresh crop of raptorleaf try ta snag young Andi. A

The Timeless Isle
After years of listenen' ta folks say "Fuhg you, Blizz! We's sick of questin' on rails!" Blizz done decided fer ta respond. "Fuhg me? Fuhg you! Here's an entire zone with almost no quest chains at all. An' we ain't gonna give you no more content for a whole year. Grind! Grind, beeyotches, grind!" C+